What does coercive control look like?

What does coercive control look like?

Family violence can involve physical and sexual harm. It can also involve someone repeatedly using threats, intimidation and restrictions to control another person’s life. This is called coercive control.

These behaviours work together as a pattern, creating fear and restricting someone’s freedom and independence. Over time, abusers impact a victims ability to be free, to make their own decisions, it impacts their sense of who they are, trapping them

At Pet Refuge, understanding this control helps explain the barriers families can face when seeking safety, including concern for a much-loved pet.

What can coercive control look like?

Coercive control does not look the same in every relationship. Debbs Murray and ECLIPSE describe it as an “umbrella tactic”: different forms of violence and abuse can reinforce one another to gain control over someone.

Controlling money

Someone may prevent their partner from working, restrict access to bank accounts or demand an explanation for every purchase.

Without access to money, arranging transport, attending appointments or finding somewhere else to stay can become much harder. Due to fear,everyday needs become dependent on an abuser giving their permission.

Isolating someone from support

An abuser may interfere with plans, restrict contact with friends and family or make sure that if social visits occur, it leads to accusations and punishment.

Victims may gradually stop arranging catch-ups because they fear the consequences. To others, they might seem distant, without those people understanding why their behaviour has changed.

Using intimidation and undermining confidence

Repeated threats, humiliation and criticism affects a victims sense of self confidence, and their freedom. They may be told they cannot cope alone or that nobody will believe them.

Monitoring where someone goes, who they speak to or how quickly they answer messages can also form part of this pattern when backed by intimidating or punishing consequences.

Using children or pets to control someone

Someone may weaponise a person’s love for their children or pets to frighten them or control their decisions.

For example, an abuser harming a pet, threatening to hurt them or preventing contact with them can make someone afraid to leave or seek help. Their concern for someone or something they love becomes a way of controlling what victims are able to do.

Physical, sexual and other forms of abuse

Physical and sexual violence can be used to create fear and enforce control. Other tactics may include controlling decisions about pregnancy or contraception, using someone’s religious or cultural beliefs against them, or misusing legal processes and services to continue harassment.

Victims do not have to experience many different tactics for the abuse to be serious. Coercive control can happen between current or former partners, as well as within wider family, household and caregiving relationships.

Why the wider pattern matters

Looking at each incident alone will not reveal what is happening.

For example, someone cancelling plans with a friend might seem unremarkable. But if their partner controls the money they need for transport, repeatedly questions them about that friend and has punished them for going out before, they may cancel because they are afraid of what will happen if they go.

The incidents are all connected. A threat today will add to the weight of the violence, abuse and harm that happened months ago,.

New Zealand’s Family Violence Act recognises that acts forming a pattern amount to abuse, even when they appear minor when viewed separately. A single act can also amount to abuse.

Why understanding this matters at Pet Refuge

From outside an abusive relationship, it can be difficult to understand why someone has not left or reached out for help. Coercive control helps explain how their options may have been restricted.

For some families, seeking safety also means finding somewhere safe for their pet. They may fear their pet will be harmed if left behind, or be unable to take them to their safe accommodation.

Pet Refuge provides temporary shelter and care for pets while their families escape family violence. Our nationwide service includes transport, veterinary care, enrichment and regular updates for families, at no cost to them.

Having somewhere safe for their pet helps families seek safety without leaving their much-loved companion behind.

Pets already have loving families. They are with us temporarily and reunite with their families when safe.

Need support?

For help with your pet, contact 0800 PET REFUGE or help@petrefuge.org.nz, when it is safe to do so.

If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 111.

Developed in collaboration with Pet Refuge partner and ambassador Debbs Murray of ECLIPSE Family Violence Services.